When Marriage and Mercy Collide

When Marriage and Mercy Collide

The Power of the Gospel in Marriage

Ephesians 2:1 And you were dead in the trespasses and sins 2 in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience— 3 among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind. 4 But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, 5 even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved—

MERCY AND THE GOSPEL

Image life without mercy, a gospel without mercy, a God who was not merciful, those are scary thoughts. What about a God who did not show great love and concern, was distant and non-relational? Both mercy and love as well as many other factors, played a huge role in God’s redemptive purposes toward us. The gospel created relationship with Him. Too often however the gospel is not a preeminent part of marriage, too often it is not being reproduced in one’s life and then lived out toward our mate. Mercy suffers greatly in that kind of relationship, compassion and kindness fall to the wayside. God had mercy upon us in our most broken condition, in our lost estate He responded in love and mercy. Reaching out to us with rich gospel mercy.

Romans 5:8 but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Ephesians 2:4 But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, 5 even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved—

We still desperately need this kind of gospel mercy. Because we need to “receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” In times of need the help of mercy and grace helps us draw near to God with confidence and assurance.

Hebrews 4:16 Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

It is godlike to show compassion and mercy toward our spouse even when they do not do the same. Loving mercy costs, but “your reward will be great” in the Fathers eyes. “Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful” to the underserved, to the unresponsive, you never know how God will use your compassionate mercy to change your spouse and you.

Luke 6:30 Give to everyone who begs from you, and from one who takes away your goods do not demand them back. 31 And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them. 32 “If you love those who love you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. 33 And if you do good to those who do good to you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. 34 And if you lend to those from whom you expect to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, to get back the same amount. 35 But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for he is kind to the ungrateful and the evil. 36 Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful.

God established a relationship with us in and through the mercy of the gospel. The gospel is the model for the why, the how, and the maintaining of relationships. It was God who said that He loved the world and gave His Son, John 3:16. That very demonstration of love toward sinners is the greatest demonstration of merciful love known to mankind. In our lost estate, in our hostility against God, He showed us mercy. He demonstrated mercy in breaking down “in his flesh the dividing wall of hostility”, Ephesians 2:14,18-19, Colossians 1:21-22, in breaking through our hard heartedness, Ephesians 4:18-19. This was done with compassion and mercy; it is the model for all of our relationships and should be very apparent in all of our relationships. It should be “rich” in our marital relationship, Ephesians 4:2, just like love should be “great” in our marital relationship.

“People need to see that the gospel belongs in their workplace, their kitchen, their school, their bedroom, their backyard, and their van. They need to see the way the gospel makes a connection between what they are doing and what God is doing. They need to understand that their life stories are being lived out within God’s larger story so that they can learn to live each day with a gospel mentality.”[1] That gospel mentality must come with a biblical world view, a God centered world view, a right perspective on who God is in our lives, in our relationships and His rightful place in them. What we desperately need from God, love, mercy and grace, others desperately need from us as well.

Jesus said, “31 And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them”. The gospel of mercy plants this kind of thinking deep within our hearts. It speaks of our need to treat others with the same kind of mercy that we must have for ourselves. It forces us to have merciful thoughts and actions toward others like God, “36 Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful. Our hearts must be knit together with Gods heart in the relationship we have with our mate. His heart is one of gospel compassionate love, mercy, and grace toward us, ”in the time of need”, and there may be no greater time of need in your life than right now. We need all the benefits of the gospel to bear upon our hearts, to give us proper focus, to give us common ground, to allow our marriage and God’s mercy to collide.

The gospel is so expansive and so comprehensive, it is difficult to express in words or on paper all the true benefits that mankind receives from it. Paul writes, Romans 11:33 Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways!

Here are just a few merciful benefits of the gospel given to us from our merciful God.

The gospel includes a deliberate act of love.
The gospel includes deliberate suffering.
The gospel deals with and conquers the greatest problem sin.
The gospel includes faith, mercy, grace, justification, sanctification and much, much more.
The gospel includes an exchange, our sins counted as his, his righteousness is counted as ours.
The gospel includes forgiveness.
The gospel includes newness of life or a new life.^[2]

Marriages would literally change overnight if we reproduced gospel mercy within them. “I realize that the greatest gift I can give to my fellow-Christians is the gospel itself. Indeed, I love my fellow-Christians not simply because of the gospel, but I love them best when I am loving them with the gospel! And I do this not merely by speaking gospel words to them, but also by living before them and generously relating to them in a gospel manner.”[3] Your mate is “my fellow-Christian”. You must begin to see them in that context in Christ.

GOD USES HIS WORD TO DEMONSTRATE MERCY

Another absolute necessity in marital relationship is the most significant tool in managing relationships, God’s Word. It must be a ruling authority in all of life because it is sufficient for all of life and godliness, 2 Peter 1:3,4. The Bible is how we get to know God through the gospel and how we get to know one another as people of God. The Bible helps me to know my mate better, as a complete person. Its lens filters through the person and personality and reveals the heart. Hebrews 4:12 For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart. I know the best way to demonstrate mercy when God allows His Word to reveal the heart of my lover. I lovingly guard my heart form condemnation and in concert with God’s Holy Word, I express mercy by showing them a way to escape their blind spots, sins blinding effects. Gods’ truth is far more persuasive than any argument I might present.

“It’s a wonderful, freeing thing to realize that the durability and quality of your marriage is not ultimately based on the strength of your commitment to your marriage. Rather, it’s based on something completely apart from your marriage: God’s truth; truth we find plain and clear on the pages of Scripture.”[4] God’s Word is more than just words on a page, these are words that bring life to the most wretched of souls, 1 Peter 1:22-25. Not only does this passage speak of God’s Word being that which saved us, but it also creates within us the ability to “love one another from a “pure heart”. So, we could say that God not only demonstrated the power of His word to save us, Romans 1:16, but He also empowers us with the potential to love like He loves, with a “pure heart”. This is amazing mercy! Additionally, His love and mercy are unfailing. Our lover needs that kind of unfailing merciful love, and God’s Word is the means to this end. If we are not utilizing God’s Word as a tool in our marriage, or at all, there will be little or no merciful love demonstrated toward one another. God uses His Word, as well as models for us how to reproduce His kind of love and mercy in marital relationship. You need to actively use God’s Word of mercy in your marriage. Has God’s Word been neglected in your relationship as a tool of mercy? Take time to talk about this with your mate. Be kind and gentle and show mercy and grace during your conversation.

GOD USES OUR SPOUSE TO DEMONSTRATE MERCY

We must be open to the numerous tools that God uses to sanctify us, as well as to demonstrate His love and mercy toward us. This includes having an open and honest attitude toward thoughtful and loving constructive criticism, realizing that God is ever using these tools to help me to see myself in a very different helpful and constructive way. God uses our spouse as a tool to aid us in becoming more like Him just as He uses many other people in our lives, but especially our mates. The following questions are very provocative but will help us to see how God is merciful toward us by giving us a mate who will help us to become more like Him. Keep in mind that your mate is being used by God in the process of your becoming more like His Son. Remember also that He uses many different people and circumstances in life to accomplish this goal. The following are honest questions to ask yourself and discuss with your spouse. A yes or no answer should be followed up with a written explanation. Take time to write out your thoughts as you read through each question. [5]

Do you welcome those moments when your husband or wife approaches you with a criticism or concern about something you said or did?
Are you glad that God has placed you next to someone who helps you see yourself with greater accuracy?
Do you embrace and act on the thought that you could be a better husband or a better wife?
When you are approached with a criticism or concern, do you ever redirect the conversation, working to convince the other that you’re not the only sinner in the room?
Have you actually invited your spouse to confront you in places where he or she thinks it is needed?
Do you ever blame your words or behavior on your husband or wife?
When you feel a twinge of guilt, do you work to relieve your guilt by self-atoning arguments for the rightness of what you said or did?
How active is your “inner lawyer,” internally arguing in your defense, even as the other person is speaking?
Have you tended to think that all the weeds in your marriage were brought in by your spouse?

If you are careful and wise you will allow yourself to be open and honest about these questions, and you will encourage your spouse to aid you in answering these questions about yourself. Remember, God is using both of you for His purpose, your marriage is a platform for the redeeming qualities of the gospel in your lives, a place where love and mercy should be the most noticed and employed. Take time now to talk about how you can engage each other with these questions, write down what you hear and don’t be defensive. Don’t allow the “inner lawyer” to make a case, just listen and learn. Take just 15 or 20 minutes now and go over the above questions individually, then after you have answered them individually talk about them together.

AGREE TO DISAGREE WITHOUT CAUSING A RUCKUS,
BY BEING CALM AND PRAYERFUL.

Examine criticism from God’s perspective. I have learned over the years that criticism is a friend not an enemy. You can learn a lot from criticism whether you accept it as truth or not because it is someone’s evaluation of you from their perspective. Their viewpoint can be a valuable tool for you to learn from. The issue is not whether they are right or wrong, you are asking God to help you see things the way they perceive you at that time. Clarification in the future can be helpful, not just to find out later if they are right or wrong, but most importantly to examine why they would have that opinion or view of you. Prepare yourself for the time you will either ask forgiveness or work out a misunderstanding about yourself. Learn to answer criticism carefully, and without the motive of just saving face, or defending yourself. Learn how to resolve conflict this way. Learn from your critics.

GOD USES PAST EXPERIENCES TO DEMONSTRATE MERCY

We must see God in the past, He knows what happened and He knows how to shape you through your experiences in the past. Do not allow your emotions that are connected with the past to be your guide or your hurt to be the focus of the present. Have you a sense of revenge or need of being paid back for what occurred. If we see our hurt, as God sees our hurt, we are better prepared to trust Him because He was with us in those hurting moments. He is also with you as you trust Him through the healing process. Someone rightly said that often “hurt people….. hurt people”. Hurting people can hurt people by being combative, dismissive, condescending, rude and disrespectful. Pride in our lives uses these hurtful forces as tools against others. By doing this the power of the gospel is severely diminished in our lives, God’s glory takes a back seat, and our own prideful agenda takes over. When we are like this, we are hurting not helping our relationship with God and our mate. A merciful loving attitude of the heart acknowledges the hurts of the past but is not motivated or driven by those hurts. Does not use the past as a battering ram to hurt the other person, does not hang the past over their heads and drive the past home in order to slay the other person. God wants to actually use the past for His present glory, He wants us to handle the past biblically.

Don’t keep on dredging up the past. As we walk through life as sinners in a broken world with the sinner that we married, it is imperative that we view our lives in the context gospel mercy. If we continue to bring up the past, we are not thinking in a gospel-oriented way. God does not bring up the past when he has forgiven us even when we sin as we did in the past. God helps us to break the sinful habits in ways which we lived in the past by reminding us of how He forgave us, and why He forgave us. Of course, if there is a pattern of behavior that indicates that the past has not been handled properly, that is a different matter. If the past needs to be addressed because it has not been dealt with properly, then by all means we must deal with it biblically and properly. God is in the business of changing the influence of people’s past, 1 Corinthians 6:9–11.

Be sure to talk about this between one another and your counselor.

One of the needs that you and I have in relationship to our past is to be sure that our guilt has been handled properly. We do this by asking God’s forgiveness and the appropriate person’s forgiveness for sins we have committed in the past against them. We remove our guilt and the barriers to that relationship by asking forgiveness. On the other hand, if we have been sinned against in the past, it is appropriate for us to pursue reconciliation as the Bible prescribes as we confront the person who sinned against us with love and caution. Galatians 6:1 Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. We must be longsuffering and watch to see how God works in this person’s life, and we must never allow the past to preoccupy or in some way unsettle us. If the past is harming your relationship, now is the time to talk it out and ask God to bring the past to some sort of biblical solution. An attempt at conflict resolution is necessary. It might be hard and may not produce a final result that is satisfying, but it is necessary. Matt 5:23-15

Stop now and start working on this matter before you continue in this study. What are some things of the past that have not been settled? List them and discuss them. You may not come to some sort of closure on things of the past right away but making a list and bringing it to each other’s attention is important now. Handling the past one issue at a time can prove to be helpful and not overwhelming. The goal is to bring it out on the table and have a person who is helping you assist you to sort through the past and find biblical guidance.

HURT AND TRUST AND WHO TO TRUST

Notice what the Psalmist is saying about hurt and trust. Psalm 56:1 Be gracious to me, O God, for man tramples on me; all day long an attacker oppresses me;

Verse 1 ……………man tramples on me; all day long an attacker oppresses me; 2 my enemies trample on me all day long, for many attack me proudly. 8 You have kept count of my tossings”……… 5 All day long they injure my cause; all their thoughts are against me for evil. 6 They stir up strife, they lurk; they watch my steps, as they have waited for my life.

But God is to be trusted…….verse 3 When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. 4 In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can flesh do to me? 7 For their crime will they escape? In wrath cast down the peoples, O God!; put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book? 9 Then my enemies will turn back in the day when I call. This I know, that God is for me. 10 In God, whose word I praise, in the LORD, whose word I praise, 11 in God I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can man do to me? 12 I must perform my vows to you, O God; I will render thank offerings to you. 13 For you have delivered my soul from death, yes, my feet from falling, that I may walk before God in the light of life.

Let’s take a closer look at this psalm. Notice how man hurts, tramples, attacks, but God is to be trusted, to be depended upon vss. 4, 10, 11……to be praised in the midst of man’s attacks and abuse. What must the believer do? Read and re-read verse12. (perform vows…give praise….in the spirit of thankfulness…..thank offering). There seems to be a lesson woven within this psalm that tells us something about how to trust. Take note of verses 3, 4, & 11, they are powerful reminders of trust in God. Notice how the following questions are answered in this psalm.

Where is trust grounded? vs 1 ”Be gracious to me, O God”: by God and His grace

Where is trust to be place? vs 1.”in God” —the object of our trust.

Where is trust born in our hearts? vs. 4, 10. ”whose Word I praise”, through the Word. Prov 3:5,6

Where trust is realized? vs 4 “I shall not be afraid. What can flesh do to me?“ The reality of man’s inability, and the certainty of God’s sovereignty.

These four short thoughts should be rehearsed in our hearts and developed as a defense against mistrust. Painful experiences can rob people of the willingness and sometimes the desire to trust others, it can paralyze a person’s sensibility to the point where they do not trust anyone. Non-trust, especially in marital relationships, has a paralyzing effect. A large amount of trust is required in a marriage. Similarly, a business partnership cannot function well without trust between the partners. Trust is not usually developed by a one-off act, but rather a process of little choices and decisions that ultimately constitute trust. Love and trust seem to interplay as one word. I cannot love without trust, and I cannot trust without love. Love and trust seem to be the same word.

TRUST IS A CHOICE JUST LIKE LOVE IS A CHOICE

1Corinthians 13:7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

The word believes is a Greek verb basically meaning to believe, have faith in, or trust. We found in Psalm 56, that trust is grounded in God and His grace. That trust is realized in the reality of man’s inability, (who is not always trustworthy), and the certainty of God’s sovereignty, (who is always trustworthy), Psalm 56:4. Man can and will fail in the area of trust, but God never will. Trust in God is explicit (obvious and unambiguous), it is implicit, (understood or implied), on account of Who He is. God is always trustworthy, while trust in man is earned and can be broken, (because of who he is), a sinner. According to 1 Corinthians 13 kind of love, until a person shows untrustworthiness, they are to be trusted.

You choose to trust. Trust is ordinarily a high Christian virtue as a choice you make because you believe in someone. I have faith in you, I have confidence in you, is saying I trust you. We certainly don’t want to diminish the importance of placing trust in someone, nor do we want to fully depend on our own intuition when it comes to trusting someone. We need an external authority, one that helps us with discernment and wisdom when it comes to trusting someone. An external authority, which is God’s Word, that gives us the wisdom we need to guide us in areas of trust, and to discern who is trustworthy. The heart is desperately wicked, and only God knows the heart, Jerimiah 17:9. We will need to build trust or rebuild trust by using Gods Word to discern trustworthiness in a person’s life. A person’s life who has an intimate relationship with God’s Word, their life will speak for them, a person who is disconnected from God’s Word, their life will speak for them as well.

Trust is not as intuitive as one may think, God actually uses His Word, the Spirit, the conscience, to create within man trustworthiness. As a believer reflects on God and His Word his conscience should drive him to desire to reflect God’s kind of trustworthiness, to be a trustworthy person. That is why it is so important to first trust God, to see man as God sees them, trustworthy only when they are in a right relationship with Him. In Joshua 1:13-18 the people are saying to Joshua, as long as we recognize that God is with you, we will trust and follow you. They made a choice to trust Joshua on the basis of his relationship with God. That is safe, that is wise and discerning. There are other examples as well. God trusted Paul with the gospel 1 Corinthians 9:17, 1 Thessalonians 2:4. The virtuous wife is trusted, Proverbs 31:10, 11.

Trusting people is based upon their relationship with God that is reflected in trustworthy behavior. So, trusting in a person is not wrong, but trust in a person is not the same as trust in God. Remember, God never fails, but man always will. Keep that in mind, and ask God to help you to have a better understanding of life in a fallen world, that we are subject to others fallenness as well as our own, that our experiences in a fallen world are shared together, where trust vacillates, but also where our Trustworthy God never vacillates, He is always the same, Hebrews 13:8. And in the end, as I have been pointing out, God is the One where trust is to be placed, and God is the One who can make us trustworthy and guard that trust. Give your lover a chance to gain trust that has been lost. God gave Peter a second chance after denying Christ. Be Godlike because God is a God of second chances………..and more!

“To trust God in times of adversity is admittedly a hard thing to do. I do not mean to suggest in my emphasis on choosing to trust God that the choice is as easy as choosing whether or not I will go to the store, or even choosing whether or not I will do some sacrificial deed. Trusting God is a matter of faith, and faith is the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22). Only the Holy Spirit can make His Word come alive in our hearts and create faith, but we can choose to look to Him to do that, or we can choose to be ruled by our feelings of anxiety or resentment or grief.”^[6] “Trust is not a passive state of mind. It is a vigorous act of the soul by which we choose to lay hold on the promises of God and cling to them despite the adversity that at times seeks to overwhelm us.”^[7]

Trusting God by doing some gospel-oriented thinking. Go to the cross, and do some gospel thinking. [8]

Thought #1: “Christ has suffered as I am suffering right now, and infinitely more so, which means I am never alone in any pain.”

Thought #2: “Sometimes God purposes that those whom He loves deeply to be painfully sinned against.”

Thought #3: “God the Father can be trusted completely on the receiving end of any wrongdoing.”

Thought #4: “I have committed greater sins against God than any person has ever committed against me.”

Thought #5: “Glory to God, Christ has purchased my forgiveness and justification at the cross.”

Thought #6: “I am purchased & owned by God; and now I live to serve His purposes, not mine.”

Reflect now upon these six thoughts, how are these thoughts either a serous part of your thinking or are foreign to your thinking. Explain how they are, or how they are not, and how you can improve gospel-oriented thinking. Explain how you can begin to exercise this kind of thinking in your heart and benefit your spouse.

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GOD USES GOSPEL THOUGHTS TO RE-CENTER OUR THINKING

Gospel thinking helps us in remembering that God is gracious, kind, loving, longsuffering and merciful. When I think about the demonstration of His love toward me, I am humbled by His extreme undeserved mercy toward me. I am convicted that I do not always exercise this kind of mercy toward others like God does.

Once we see ourselves rightly (in the context of the gospel) in the conflicts of marriage, we then are able to show mercy, demonstrate humility, and begin to see how our inner person needs to change with our mate. As you read the testimony below, you will see how gospel thoughts helped a woman whose husband had been unfaithful to become gospel centered. Rather than letting the center of the most hurtful and wounding experience of marriage that a person could go through, be her hurt and her bitterness, she turned to gospel mercy and compassion for her broken husband. She saw herself in the context of brokenness and sin as well.

“I knew what God’s Word said about forgiveness—that I could and should freely forgive in light of Christ’s great mercy for me on the cross. Yet, I was not able to see my own sin as clearly, and that became a stumbling block for me to extend forgiveness to Jeremy. It was a process that took time, and it seemed unbearably slow. At times, I did not think I would make it. Many times I wanted to give up and leave the marriage—I was shortsighted and wanted to stop the pain then and there (which I thought leaving would accomplish), but I was not carefully considering the long-term consequences. By God’s grace alone, I did not take that path. I would slip into bitterness often, repent, and start over numerous times. But the more I heard the gospel preached, the more I was able to understand it and apply it to myself. Over time, I began to see my own sinfulness and God’s grace and mercy for my sins. It was very hard to look at my own contribution to the breakdown of our marriage. I wanted to just focus on his part and leave the blame there, but God opened my eyes and helped me to see that, even as a victim of my husband’s sin I could not claim innocence in my marriage, and certainly not before a holy God. The gospel gave me power to forgive my husband. Christ had died for both our sins, dying in our place and drinking the full cup of God’s wrath we both deserved for our sins. Through the revelation of that truth, I was humbled and disarmed—we were more alike than different. From this standing place, forgiveness flowed. How that looked practically, though, was not always smooth. There were days when God would break in and reveal the gospel and himself to me in incredible ways. I would experience hope and joy and feel forgiving. Then there were the mundane times—the day-in and day-out, when I did not feel anything, yet God taught me to rely not on my feelings but on his grace to me on the cross. This, I would come to realize, was a fundamental change in my character that God desired to do in me—to become gospel-centered and live my life out of that center.”[9]

Jesus heals the deepest hurts. His path to healing is often very different than we want or expect, but it is always through gospel principles. The gospel is the model for healing relationships because it demonstrates the depths that God took to create, as well as maintain a relationship with us. Gods extreme lavishing love and mercy toward sinners is radical. That is why verses written to believers like those below, are so important for us to remember as believers. So important to reproduce in our lives because they are so gospel saturated. No one can forgive the kind of offence described above, or for that matter any offence, without truly seeing themselves as recipients of the underserved gift of mercy and grace through the gospel, Ephesians 2:8, 9. Only gospel thinking that recenters our hearts can show that kind of mercy, grace, love, and compassion.

Ephesians 1:7 In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, 8 which he lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight 9 making known to us the mystery of his will, according to his purpose, which he set forth in Christ 10 as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth.

1 John 1:5 This is the message we have heard from him and proclaim to you, that God is light, and in him is no darkness at all. 6 If we say we have fellowship with him while we walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth. 7 But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin. 8 If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. 9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 10 If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us.

The gospel is not just a onetime event, it’s a continual work of mercy and grace working through our lives as we “practice the truth”. It should shape our way of thinking about all things in life. It is a means of fellowship with the Father and with one another. It is the continual path of confession and repentance from sin throughout our lives as we walk in the light. Thinking about your marriage through the lens of the gospel will be life changing.

HOW TO ORIENT YOURSELF THROUGH
THE ATTRIBUTES OF THE GOSPEL

By that I mean characteristics of the gospel. Shift from focus on your mate to focusing on your heart and where you are in the marriage. Start by being more aware of being a sinner than being sinned against. Ask God to help you keep three things in focus about sin in your marriage.

That you can see your own sin first.
That you can see your own sin as worse.
That you can see your own sin as what you need to be working on most!

I Corinthians 15:9 ―For I am the least of the apostles, who am not worthy to be called an apostle, because I persecuted the church of God. But by the grace of God I am what I am, and His grace toward me was not in vain; but I labored more abundantly than they all, yet not I, but the grace of God which as with me.

Recognize your unworthiness because of you own offences. Recognize that if it were not for merciful grace, a powerful attribute of the gospel, you would not be who you are in Christ today. It is the gospel of grace that saved you from yourself, from self-destruction in your own sin, and it is by His merciful grace working in you that your marriage can be repaired. God’s merciful grace toward you, “was not in vain”. It resides in you and must be working through you as it did Paul. If you orient yourself this way you will begin to see merciful grace working in you, in powerful and meaningful ways toward others.

“One of the most significant problems [with couples today] is that there is no economy of grace. With all their obvious difficulties, what is most shocking is the profound gracelessness of their marriage. There is no willingness to look within and confess deep-seated sins, so they never find sweet forgiveness. There is no vertical hope to carry them in dark and discouraging times. There is no rest that comes from entrusting each other to the God of grace… As a result, their relationship is reduced to human demands, human performance, human failure, human judgment, and human punishment. There is no hope or power for change. And because they are not daily soaking in the fountain of God’s grace, they do not extend it to one another.” [10]

Are you extending merciful grace toward one another? With every encounter between you and your spouse, are they on the receiving end of grace or law? What do they experience the most from you? Talk this over with each other.

1 Timothy 1:12 I thank him who has given me strength, Christ Jesus our Lord, because he judged me faithful, appointing me to his service, 13 though formerly I was a blasphemer, persecutor, and insolent opponent. But I received mercy because I had acted ignorantly in unbelief, 14 and the grace of our Lord overflowed for me with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus. 15 The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost. 16 But I received mercy for this reason, that in me, as the foremost, Jesus Christ might display his perfect patience as an example to those who were to believe in him for eternal life. 17 To the King of the ages, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever. Amen.

“There‘s nothing more vital for our marriage than for each one of us to regain a clear sense of “me” as the worst of sinners. This ongoing need for the Savior is exactly what professing Christians must hang on to. The cross makes a stunning statement about husbands and wives: we are sinners and our only hope is grace. Without a clear awareness of sin, we will evaluate our conflicts outside of the biblical story – the finished work of Jesus Christ on the cross – thus eliminating any basis for true understanding, true reconciliation, or true change. Without the gospel of our crucified and risen Savior our marriages slide toward the superficial. We begin to make limp justification for our sinful behavior, and our marriage conflicts end, at best, in uneasy, partial, negotiated settlements. But once I find 1 Timothy 1:15-16 trustworthy – once I can embrace it with full acceptance – once I know that I am indeed the worst of sinners, then my spouse is no longer my biggest problem: I am. And when I find myself walking in the shoes of the worst of sinners, I will make every effort to grant my spouse the same lavish grace that God has granted me.”[11]

The Bible doesn‘t give us permission to make the sins of our spouse our top priority! The Bible calls us to suspect and inspect our own heart first, then lovingly take the speck out of our spouse’s eye.

Matthew 7:3 Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? 4 Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.

Which are you more aware of: being a sinner or being sinned against? Can you explain?

RECOGNIZE THAT CIRCUMSTANCES
NEVER CAUSE SIN – THEY EXPOSE IT

In our relationships, but particularly in this closest relationship called marriage – God creates opportunities to first reveal and then deal with sin that is keeping us from pleasing Him.

Luke 6:45 ―A good man out of the good treasure of his heart bring forth good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart brings forth evil. For out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks ―After I was saved, and before I was married, I lived under the mad, undaunted delusion that I was spiritually mature. Mine was a rich and largely imaginary kind of holiness. If ignorance is bliss, I was in permanent ecstasy. The infrequent examinations of my seemingly innocent heart revealed little need for improvement… then it happened. I got married and became a blame-shifter.

“Your spouse always hooks your idol.’ But marriage didn‘t simply hook my idols; it hoisted them six feet in the air and towed them around the house. I can‘t tell you how many times I thought, I never had these problems before. This must be my wife‘s fault.‘ The truth is, I‘d always been a blame-shifter it‘s just that after getting married there were so many more good opportunities to express this fault!” [12]

James 4:1-2 ―Where do wars and fights come from among you? Do they not come from your desires for pleasure that war in your members? You lust and do not have. You murder and covet and cannot obtain. You fight and war. Yet you do not have because you do not ask.

“Your spouse was a strategic choice made by a wise and loving God. Selected by Him, for you, from the beginning of the world, your spouse is an essential part of God‘s rescue mission for your life. Often a spouse plays his or her part by raising the engine temperature and heating the oil. But if we‘re wisely honest we will realize that God is behind it all, revealing the familiar sin so that it might be overcome by amazing grace. “[13]

Do you find yourself blaming the circumstances or your mate? In what ways do you tend to do this?

START BY FOCUSING ON UNDESERVED MERCIFUL GRACE
RATHER THAN UNMET NEEDS

There are good reasons to have concern over legitimate unmet needs. But what happens when unmet needs overshadow God‘s undeserved grace in our lives? What happens if unmet needs are continually ignored even if they are legitimate? If the circumstances don’t change fast enough? Grace is patient because it is distributed by God in loving mercy. “Love is patient”, “It does not insist on its own way, it is not irritable or resentful”, “it bears all things”,1 Corinthians 13:4-8. Love is the driving force behind merciful grace and schools me on how I should respond to unmet needs. Love reminds me that I have a great responsibility to respond differently than I want to in my heart when unmet needs are present. It reminds me to not be overly consumed with unmet needs.

“The more absorbed I am in the gospel, the more grateful I become in the midst of my circumstances, whatever they may be. Viewing life‘s blessings as water in a drinking cup, I know that I could discontentedly focus on the half of the cup that seems empty, or I could gratefully focus on the half that is full”……“The gospel reminds me first that what I actually deserve from God is a full cup churning with the torments of His wrath. This is the cup that would be mine to drink if I were given what I deserve each day… As for my specific earthly circumstances of plenty or want, I can see them always as infinite improvement on the hell I deserve. When I look at any circumstance that God apportions me, I am first grateful for the wrath I am not receiving in that moment (The empty part of the cup never looked so good!). Secondly, I am grateful for the blessings that are given to me instead of His wrath. (Life‘s blessings, however small, always appear exceedingly precious when viewed against the backdrop of the wrath I deserve.) This two layered gratitude disposes my heart to give thanks in all things and it also lends a certain intensity to my giving of thanks. Such a gospel-generated gratitude glorifies God, contributes to peace of mind, and keeps my foot from the path of foolishness and ruin.” [14]

Our chief aim is to please God by bring Him ultimate glory in our lives, John 8:28,29, 1 Corinthians 10:31, 1 Peter 4:11 “that in everything God may be glorified through Jesus Christ.“ When we know we are living for God’s glory, the level of joy increases in our lives, the fulness of joy that Jesus promised becomes apparent. John 15:11 These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full.

Our kind and loving God wants us to have joy, to live in the joy of gospel mercy. Joy is the characteristic emotion of true intimacy with God and with people, Ps 100:1- 2, Phil 4:4. Good feelings are a result of obeying God, and then joyfully serving others. Jesus taught this in John 13:3-17. The word ”blessed” can be translated as “happy”. Good feelings about a situation may come later, but they are connected to our being willing to serve in the most difficult of circumstances. Joy in trials James 1:1-5. Remember that Jesus washed the feet of the person who would eventually betray Him. We want there to be joy in your life, but that is not the ultimate goal, our chief aim is to please God and bring Him glory, even if we do not feel joy at this time or at times. It is important for us to recognize God’s glory through the gospel working in and through us during difficult times. True joy and happiness comes from serving others, even when being served is not reciprocated back toward us.

The Spirit of God lives within us, making us capable not only of change, but of changing in ways that please God; in ways wase have never thought possible because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit in us. Romans 5:4–6 Change is not only possible but is actually expected. (2 Peter 3:18) The Spirit working through the Word is the means that God has ordained to bring about lasting change in hearts and lives. When there has been very little or no spiritual change in any situation where God’s Word has been faithfully presented, there is the possibility that there is no spiritual life in those who have been challenged to obey it. The other possibility is that there is just no will to obey because the circumstances have become the authority in our response. An idol has taken shape in our lives and has pushed out the Spirit’s constant call to obey through His Word. A change in focus upon serving rather than a focus on unmet needs is difficult, but possible by God’s merciful grace. Giving something to someone who does not deserve it is God like!

God has not only called us to change, but He has also given us the ability to endure (1 Corinthians 10:13) in the strength of Christ. (Philippians 4:13) God and His Word have not failed. We must admit then that something else is amiss. In humility and wisdom we must ask exactly what that something truly is from the heart level; not in our spouse first, but in us. We should expect to see change because God is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us (Ephesians 3:20). This is true in all, and in every circumstance of life. (2 Peter 1:3,4,) Change is in our identity, our DNA in Christ, (2 Peter 3:18) But grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To him be the glory both now and to the day of eternity. Amen. His Glory is in our DNA, in our identity.

This study should cause you to think long and hard about how “operative the gospel is in your lives. The gospel not only has saving purpose it has sanctifying purpose. Start now by listing the benefits of all the attributes of the gospel in your personal relationship with God and start reproducing those same benefits toward your spouse. When marriage and mercy collide the glory and benefit of the gospel begins to take place and change is inevitable. Look at each other through the lens of the gospel and you will begin to change, I promise! [15] [16]

[1] Tripp, Paul & Lane, Timothy How People Change, pgs. 4-5. New Growth Press.

^[2] Not sure of the source of these seven points

[3] Milton Vincent, A Gospel Primer for Christians, pgs. 22

[4] Dave Harvey, When Sinners Say “I Do” Shepherds Press, Pg. 23

[5] Paul David Tripp, What Did You Expect?: Redeeming the Realities of Marriage pg. 109.

^[6] Jerry Bridges, Trusting God When Life Hurts, pg. 195

^[7] ibid pg. 200

[8] Milton Vincent, Evangelizing Those Who Wrong You,

[9] Harvey, Dave. When Sinners Say “I Do”

[10] Paul David Tripp, Instruments in the Redeemer’s Hands pgs. 32-33

[11] David Harvey, When Sinners Say ‘I Do’, pgs. 40-41

[12] Ibid pg. 69

[13] Ibid pg71

[14] Milton Vincent, A Gospel Primer for Christians, pgs. 47-48

[15] Inspiration to write this study came through a lesson with the same title by Pastor Brad Bigney, Grace Fellowship Church, Florence KY

[16] A paper written by Brad Hilgeman. Please feel free to use this material but please give credit to the author and source.

3b When Marriage and Mercy Collide

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