- Primary Focus: The primary focus of discussions is placed upon Gods glory and what that looks like in your marriage. What does the word focus sound like and look like in your relationship?
- Relationship with God: How does the gospel manifest itself in your life and in your marriage? Where does the relationship that both of you have with God come to life within your relationship? Your individual relationship with God should guide and empower your relationship as husband and wife.
“Your marriage can be built or rebuilt upon a solid and enduring foundation. But we must start where the gospel starts; there lies the hope for sinners who say “I do.””[1]
- Equal Love: We are not for the husband or the wife, but for both of you. We will encourage both of you equally. You may be tempted to think we have a bias if we spend more time talking with your mate during our sessions, but issues or subject matter may determine how our conversation flows. We want to express Gods love equally to both of you by being on God’s side. We all want to come down on God’s side because we all share in our relationship with Him through equal love by the gospel.
- Listen: Listening is showing love. Be careful to pay attention whenever your spouse speaks. Turn toward your spouse when they speak. Listen with your ears, eyes, and heart and try not to be defensive. We may ask you questions based on what your spouse just shared so listening closely is important.
Good listening involves three things. Listening without interrupting. Giving undivided attention. Making sure I understand what is being said. [2]
- Draw Out: Ask your spouse questions based on what you hear. Ask clarifying questions, draw out your spouse’s heart (Thoughts, Emotions, Desires) with a loving curiosity. Be a learner, asking questions in a non-provocative way. Seek to understand what you hear, try not to be frustrated or aggravated.
- Talk to Each Other: There will be times when we will ask you a question and ask you to respond toward your spouse with an answer to the question. We want to hear you talk and interact through the question that has been presented and is relevant to your struggle. Talking through something with someone else present can be very helpful even if it is a hard thing to talk through.
- Talk about Yourself: We want you to share about your own struggles in your life with God, your spouse, and others. We will step in and redirect if there is blame shifting or communication that is harmful. Don’t be afraid to let down your guard, it will be very enlightening and helpful to your spouse, they may need a clearer picture about what is going on in your heart, things they may not realize or you have not divulged. Restrain yourself from accusations against your spouse for not being fully informed, this may be a very important learning process for both of you.
- Not Heard Before: Let us know when your spouse shares something that you have not heard before. This will help us to understand your marriage and how God is at work. We may simply ask, “Have you heard this before?” Try not to be critical toward new information, be thankful for the openness of your spouse first.
- Draw Near to God: Encourage each other in your life with God and others. Help one another to remember God’s presence, promises, power, and pursuing love toward you, that Jesus continually invites us to come to Him and find rest Matthew 11:28-30. Help each other to fight the good fight of faith by faith in God’s solutions to your marital conflict. Simply draw near to God and fight for your marriage, do not give up!
- Effort: Marriage requires effort. Remember, God has called you to fight FOR each other, not fight AGAINST each other. God’s Spirit will empower you to do what you cannot do in your flesh. God always does so much more than what we ask or imagine Ephesians 3:20.
- Homework: Be intentional to do what we ask you to do between meetings. Husbands do not force your wife to remind you to complete the assignment the night before our next meeting. Take the lead. Be intentional. Wives stay consistent as well and be encouraged by what you are learning, things take time, both of you will change in time. The assignments should be done separately and then you should take time to discuss your reflections with each other. The assignment is for you to connect with God and one another. We will be covering a lot of important information, take notes, jotting down key thoughts, words, themes, Scripture passages and other observations, in the notebook that we provide. The assignments that you will be placing in your notebook will be one of the key factors to growth and change in your marriage. It will also be a source of growth and change in your marriage in the future.
- Hopefulness: Expect that God can and will work in your marriage. He allowed you to be united in the beginning, He is for your marriage and for you and your spouse. Losing hope in your marriage is losing hope in a person. When you become so indifferent toward a spouse that you think they are hopeless, that indifference only fuels additional unholy and unhelpful feelings toward them. “Indifference and hopelessness are both dangerous. The danger isn’t simply that you’re unhappy or that your marriage is less than it could be; it’s that God becomes increasingly irrelevant to your marriage, the relationship that defines your life more than any other.”[3] Be watchful for ways in which God’s Spirit is moving in your heart and within your spouse. Be patient and hopeful. Trust in the God who gives us hope and saved us from our sins when we were truly hopeless.
- Participate: You have freedom to ask questions. Do not be afraid to participate, we are all growing and changing together. Engage yourself and speak what you are thinking and observing. Share things that are on your heart, things that resonate with your marital struggle. Don’t clam up and be silent.
- Pursue and Pray: Be intentional to pursue one another between our meetings as you try to live life together. Encourage one another in Christ regularly. Pray for and with one another. Share your homework and thoughts along the lines of things you are doing together in those studies. You may not think that you have anything in common, but you do if you know Christ, and you are doing the same assignments together. Reflect upon how God is using this entire process to bring about change for Christs sake together.
- Partner: find a couple to partner with you through this journey. The strengths of an accountability partner in marriage or in our personal lives are so significant. We need each other, so find a couple to journey with you.
[1] When Sinners Say “I Do”, Dave Harvey, Shepherd Press
[2] Brad Hilgeman homework, 7 Conflict Resolution bah.docx
[3] Marriage Matters: Extraordinary Change through Ordinary Moments, Winston T. Smith, New Growth Press.